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 And so, the adventure continues...

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Ghaleon
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Posts : 281
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Join date : 2011-10-16
Age : 31
Location : Golyat, Valeria

20111021
PostAnd so, the adventure continues...

For those of you that have been keeping up with my blogs since aw, you should know i'm writing and developing a fantasy novel, titled The Adventures of Alex Redsol.

So far the prologues and most if not all of chapter one is complete. I'd love your honest opinions, and constructive criticism if possible.

I know not a lot of you are into reading, and not a lot of you enjoy the fantasy genre, but please do take a look anyways. There's a lot of text to be had, so i'll just link to my DA. feel free to comment here, via pm, or on DA if you have one.

I hope you all enjoy this tale.

***Update***

I have changed a lot of chapter one,and also edited the character listings to flesh them out a bit more.

Plot wise, there was also a quick run in with another important resident added. A certain "Master Thief". ~ ^_-

The layout of the Soaring Eagle Inn, and the architecture of the town are updated too.

The meeting between Drake, Elana, and Alex was made more realistic, and some minor details to their personality were added.

Elana also now sings a song for everyone, as Alex becomes familiar with the Soaring Eagle Tavern.

This will be the final version of this chapter, and I have merged the two parts down together into one *completed* chapter.

Writer's note and thanks

Someday I hope I manage to get this (full work) published, and give the characters, lands and adventures the proper treatment they deserve via animation, or a game.

Each character has a special place in my heart, as some if not all of them, are inspired by my friends.

Speaking of my friends, i'd like to thank you all for your support and kindness as I tell this tale.

Kiki and Kaitlin, thanks for your encouragement, for being great friends, and always being around when I need to talk.

Nick, Victoria, and Gus, thanks for introducing me to my new friends. Brian, thanks for sticking around all this time.

To any others I forgot to mention, I thank you as well. Your continued friendship is what makes me want to write!

And to you readers, thanks for your time reading this work!

Keep an eye out for Chapter 2, Shadow Master!


Characters: http://kaitoudark1.deviantart.com/art/Alex-Redsol-Character-Bios-260335106

Prologue: http://kaitoudark1.deviantart.com/art/Prologue-to-Another-World-260342842?q=gallery%3Akaitoudark1%2F28348647&qo=18

Chapter 1: An Omen http://kaitoudark1.deviantart.com/art/Chapter-1-Omen-260351431


Last edited by Ghaleon on Sun Oct 23, 2011 5:16 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : updated the links, and added a bunch o stuff!)
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And so, the adventure continues... :: Comments

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Re: And so, the adventure continues...
Post on Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:04 am by Guest
I liked it! As a first chapter, I liked the suspense and the foreshadowing, and I liked the way it ended. I'm intrigued by the main character for randomly giving away jewelry, and I'm looking forward to finding out why he's so crazy and getting to see him do more crazy stuff.

Ghaleon wrote:
I'd love your honest opinions, and constructive criticism if possible.
I didn't like the way the prologue was written. While it's really personal preference, it just seemed weird to me that this man (in a fantasy setting) was talking directly to me, the reader, who isn't in the fantasy setting. If you meant for him to be talking to someone else (not the reader), you should probably mention him. The way it is now, it seems a bit like the opening cinematic of a video game RPG.

I also think it would be much better if you described the city more. You mention at the very beginning that it's a crowded street, but that's about all you mention of the "extras". You might want to go a little more in depth about what Alex sees them doing, maybe he gets jostled as he walks past them, maybe there are kids playing in the streets, etc. Maybe he sees the architecture and describes it in his mind, or compares it to that in his hometown. Maybe there're vehicles? Maybe they're drawn by horses and he steps in horse crap. I don't know. The best fantasy works (imo) are the ones that really feel "real". This goes for when he goes into the inn as well. It isn't really described much at all, and there were no people mentioned in the inn except those that Alex himself talked to.

Which brings me to a minor point that bugged me a little. When he enters the inn, you write that he meets the gaze of Drake Raskar, the provisioner. This wouldn't have bothered me except that later on, he introduces himself as drake raskar, the inn owner.
This bothered me because there's a little bit of discrepancy on the reader's point of view. In the prologue, the reader is told, "Imagine yourself as if you were he..." but he wouldn't have known Drake Raskar's name until after he introduced himself. My suggestion: don't use Drake's name until after he introduces himself. And instead of just introducing him as the inn's provisioner, give clues to for Alex to infer his position. Something like, "As Alex stepped inside the Soaring Eagle, his gaze was met almost instantly with the a tall, pleasantly plump man whom Alex guessed to be the provisioner, as he was the only one in the room who appeared to be working..."

Lastly, and this is another preference thing, but, "This fated meeting would be the start of Alex's first big adventure" seems a little cheesy to me. It would be much better if you found another way to say it without using the word "adventure."

That seems like a lot of complaints, but overall, I liked it, and I really want to see what happens next study study study
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Re: And so, the adventure continues...
Post on Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:26 pm by Ghaleon
Thanks for the advice. Its actually my first major attempt at writing, so advice like this can be helpful.

Also, I was aiming for a jrpg styled opening, so i'm glad it delivered on that front. After all, this novel isn't fated just for online reading, or just plain text.

I'll eventually turn it into a game.

Thanks for the advice, and i'll try and put a bit of it to use!
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Re: And so, the adventure continues...
Post on Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:33 pm by Guest
Ah, that makes sense. In that context it works quite well.
In that case, feel free to disregard everything I just wrote. I've never played *any* jrpg, so I really have no basis for making suggestions.
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Re: And so, the adventure continues...
Post on Sun Oct 23, 2011 2:08 am by Ghaleon
No, no, not at all. Actually an outside the box opinion is fantastic. The type of critique received that way is almost always helpful.Honestly, chapter 1: part 2 was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I had planned to revise it sooner or later.I really wanted to flesh out the Soaring Eagle and the air of mystery it brought with it.

I had envisioned it as a bustling place, not too crowded, but still quite noisy, illuminated by soft lanterns on the walls, with the main desk up front, the tavern behind that (meaning you would have to walk round the front desk to reach it), and the rooms for staying the night off to the left and upstairs.

I really am happy for such an honest opinion, and i'll be sure to make good use of it! ^_^
 

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